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ducati

Johnaldson's Dairy

A bunch of Weekers got in a fight, beat their wife/children/dog and drove while off their face on crack. And where hauld before the Sherrif, told they were very naughty and not to do it again or at least 'till next weekend.

A bunch of Scottish footba teams where rubbish.

Week lifeboat sank another vessel under tow and rescued some drunk fishermen.

Man finds spade in back garden after short search.

Tune in next week folkies!
Jax

A cana wait

Laughing
mrsbradey

Ch__st! I have to wait a week (that's week I mean not wick)!!!!
ducati

Sorry, I misinformed my readers, according to investigative journo' reports...it was a shovel...and it belonged to his nextdoor neighbour...and he hasn't found it.
Jax

Typical journalist getting it wrong, tut tut, do you mean we can't believe anything in the paper?
ducati

Wildly inaccurate reporting of mundane events? Are you insane??
Jax

I must be if I actually believed what is in the papers...... Shocked
ducati

***************SPECIAL REFERENDUM REPORT******************


Just returned from a Grand tour of Scotland taking in much of the Highlands, Skye, Lochaber, and Sutherland.

I can report there is mostly nothing going on in most of Scotland.
ducati

I rest my case!  Laughing
ducati

For sale

Vauxford Cloe 2000WTF Allow wheels (bent) low profile tyres (Bald) Sports exhaust (blown) low mls (380,000) loads of extras (from Halfords).

£28.50 OVNO
ducati

Well, this is a crap place to sell a car. I think I'll try e.org.  Laughing
Jax

ducati wrote:
For sale

Vauxford Cloe 2000WTF Allow wheels (bent) low profile tyres (Bald) Sports exhaust (blown) low mls (380,000) loads of extras (from Halfords).

£28.50 OVNO


Does it come with full T & T & would you take £15 for it?
mrsbradey

ducati wrote:
Well, this is a crap place to sell a car. I think I'll try e.org.  Laughing


Or is it  'this is the place to sell a crap car' !
ducati

Jax wrote:
ducati wrote:
For sale

Vauxford Cloe 2000WTF Allow wheels (bent) low profile tyres (Bald) Sports exhaust (blown) low mls (380,000) loads of extras (from Halfords).

£28.50 OVNO


Does it come with full T & T & would you take £15 for it?


For £15 I'll deliver it!
ducati

Here's a better one:

1962 Dodgemobile Firebomb 6000. Exc. fuel consumption (40 yards per gallon) Large trunk (ideal for shopping) door dings might be an issue as it is 8 feet wide and 29 feet long. Automatic so ideal for the ladies.  Laughing

Offers around £99,000
Jax

I'd like to report non delivery of goods, & further selling of vehicles which might not be as advertised.

My £15 has burnt a hole in my pocket & its been spent. Thank you for time wasting & your new car for sale is a little "deer"  Laughing
ducati

Jax wrote:
I'd like to report non delivery of goods, & further selling of vehicles which might not be as advertised.

My £15 has burnt a hole in my pocket & its been spent. Thank you for time wasting & your new car for sale is a little "deer"  Laughing


I don't think it is too much "doe"  Shocked  Particularly as (if you drive it carefully) the tyres can last up to a week!
Jax

ducati wrote:


I don't think it is too much "doe"  Shocked  Particularly as (if you drive it carefully) the tyres can last up to a week!


Too much "doe" I like to get more value for my "buck"  Wink
ducati

You been talking to Mrs Brady about potential burgers?
Jax

Indeed I have, burger press at the ready  Razz
mrsbradey

Jax wrote:
Indeed I have, burger press at the ready  Razz


YUM!! Very Happy
ducati

Yah! Vegitarians against opportunities for fine dining falling in your lap! Cool
ducati

STOP PRESS STOP PRESS

The first yes vote is in! gleeber has sent in his postal vote.

They will be round later today to change his house sign and all his digital devices to Gaelic.  Laughing
mrsbradey

I hope johnalson has not been shirking his duties. Maybe there's not much going on!!!

I saw two dogs shagging in wick yesturday  !!!
ducati

Bloody hell! vetrin reporter an all that and I   missed the big news of the day! Rolling Eyes
ducati

Well folkies, maybe I can scoop the vetrin reporter on this one...


Today Caithness.org became a no go zone for political discussion of any sort. All threads were locked and a number of posters were centured, some were banned.

This appears to be in response to some posters bringing up historical examples of alledgedly  Laughing gross misconduct by current and previous moderators.

I believe the referendum campaign was blamed, by the Orgmeister but as we all know the debate is so fluffy and fun and friendly like, well, let us just say that this reporter knows shit from Shinola....
orkneycadian

mrsbradey wrote:
I hope johnalson has not been shirking his duties. Maybe there's not much going on!!!

I saw two dogs shagging in wick yesturday  !!!


No, no, no.....  You know it should go like this.....

Dogs seen shagging in Wick today

Today, Mrs Bradey saw some fornicating dogs.  They have been reported to the procurator fiscal.

This forum is going to need some fancy fonts if we are to keep this up....
ducati

Just in case you don't get it, I attribute my spelling to my mentor  Laughing
mrsbradey

orkneycadian wrote:
mrsbradey wrote:
I hope johnalson has not been shirking his duties. Maybe there's not much going on!!!

I saw two dogs shagging in wick yesturday  !!!


No, no, no.....  You know it should go like this.....

Dogs seen shagging in Wick today

Today, Mrs Bradey saw some fornicating dogs.  They have been reported to the procurator fiscal.

.
"I was sitting at the bus stop, having been in Quid Bender to get MrBradey some new slippers" said Mrs Bradley "I hadn't expected to see such a display, they had no shame, they just went at it" she went on "the bitch was such a whore she just stood there and let 'him' do it" and on "I didnt want to watch it was disgusting" and on "I was so so shocked I missed the bus" Mrs Bradley was yesturday receiving counselling from squidge, today she is resting.
PinkFloyd

I have just seen a single sheep crossing the road a mile west of the village of Reay.
admin

PinkFloyd wrote:
I have just seen a single sheep crossing the road a mile west of the village of Reay.
I'm sure our very own investigative journo will be on the scene before too long. Atleast now he is mobile again we may get some more interesting news from around the county.

I hope you (PinkFloyd), were not too traumatised by this dramatic event.
MI16

not half as traumatised as the sheep when Pink Floyd caught up with it!!
orkneycadian

How on earth did Do Anal Sins Diary every get past the old, defunct orgs blasphemy checker?
susie

OMG

That new firing range they built is way noisier than the old one down by the sea. The plastic bobbies have a sweet little red flag on a cute little pole with a flashing light on top to warn all the ewes that shooting off may be going on anytime soon. We need an aerial photo of what they all get up to inside that hugely expensive mole hill they built. Little plastic pretend coppers lying around playing with their glocks. Thank goodness they fucked off to Sandside quarry today for their 'let's pretend someone in the world cares enough about us to launch a mortar attack' playacting.

I'm hoping this constitutes news to some of you. It's hot gossip roundabouts here.

PS The patrols are on our road at 2 am just now. They drive like crazy lunatics and I don't have double glazing and I'm a piss poor sleeper. I once asked one of them what they come around for and he said they are protecting this area but couldn't say from what. One time, years ago, we were down in what could have been Bun's bar and it was the edge of dark. Plastic patrol car comes to a stop outside(we had a small torch) they switched on a humungous lamp and swept it over the building, we were pissing ourselves laughing, one of them got out and came a bit nearer so we mooed a few times, he turned away and told his mate and off they went into the sunset.Plenty more where that came from.
ducati

I like this (not enough to press a fucking button). You are all writing your own news. Much more democratic.  Very Happy
susie

Hot Gossip!!!!!

Combine breaks down in middle of corn field. Farmer tries to find contractor to finish his harvest......Shock Horror..... Contractors are all busy elsewhere because that unreliable sun is shining like the bright star that it is.
susie

Chinese dicks.

WARNING
Check ALL bags of wine gums before the bairns get them. New Zealand folk horrified by Made In China member-shaped gums(!) complete with attachments.
PinkFloyd

A man in a car shouted at hundreds of cyclists on the back road to Thurso today.... each and every cyclist was told to "get off the fuckin' road you arsehole!" in a loud voice. The motorist even blasted his horn at a few of them who were cycling in "packs" across the width of the road.

Why the hell can't these losers on pushbikes save up and buy a friggin' car? Cycling about in packs, they're a danger to us tax paying motorists (the motorist was alleged to have commented) I have no idea who this motorist was and am only passing on second hand information Wink
mrsbradey

PinkFloyd wrote:
A man in a car shouted at hundreds of cyclists on the back road to Thurso today.... each and every cyclist was told to "get off the fuckin' road you arsehole!" in a loud voice. The motorist even blasted his horn at a few of them who were cycling in "packs" across the width of the road.

Why the hell can't these losers on pushbikes save up and buy a friggin' car? Cycling about in packs, they're a danger to us tax paying motorists (the motorist was alleged to have commented) I have no idea who this motorist was and am only passing on second hand information Wink


You should have 'whoever' told you of this incident call 118 118 and report the crime to the men with mustaches, who will carry a large foam rubber train around in their stupid red shorts for a few minutes!!!! A whole lot more useful in my opinion, than phoning the police!!!!
susie

Council to leave bushes to grow to 15-20 feet  in local park to give 'people having sex in public' more privacy.

STOP PRESS


Local hardware stores sold out of extension ladders.
MI16

big bushes and sex, never the twain shall meet.
Jax

That'll be the dogging walkers buying the ladders!
ducati

Roving reporting

Just returned from a 3 day investigative jaunt around Orkney Mainland and South Ronaldsay. Jeez those guys are clever, you can change islands without a boat!

Anyway I can confirm there is mostly nothing going on in most of Orkney.

In Kirkwall the Yes and No camps had stalls next to each other and couldn't even start a fight! I did try to get one going but was dragged hurriedly away by my carer! Shocked
PinkFloyd

I've got a pus filled boil in my arse....... should I pop it or wait for a Doctor to refer me to a specialist?
ducati

Haud on folkies...there seems to be something happening tonight......there's a lot of activity in the wires...I'll have a looky on the interweb and see if I can find out....
ducati

Just some kind of vote apparently, I'm just hearing that due to an accident at Berried ale (spellcheck) Braes, Caithness's boxes will be delayed by about an hour and a half.
ducati

Breaking News

Scotland votes "Don't be daft yer bam pots"

Alex Salmond doesn't resign! What's that about?
ducati

YESScotland.net the official site of the yes campaign, doesn't seem to have updated their news feed.

Do you think I should email them and let them know?  Shocked
susie

ducati wrote:
YESScotland.net the official site of the yes campaign, doesn't seem to have updated their news feed.

Do you think I should email them and let them know?  Shocked


Definitely, you must.
ducati

susie wrote:
ducati wrote:
YESScotland.net the official site of the yes campaign, doesn't seem to have updated their news feed.

Do you think I should email them and let them know?  Shocked


Definitely, you must.


Blimey! That wasn't very nice. They were quite rude.  Shocked
MI16

well what happened?
ducati

Wha? Wha? Eckoowentwhere?

Sorry, finally succumbed  and had to have a kip.

In other news, it's taken all day but the medja has finally got the weegies fighting! Shocked
ducati

MI16 wrote:
well what happened?


Oh..you know..thankyou for your email blah blah...
orkneycadian

Re: Breaking News

ducati wrote:
Scotland votes "Don't be daft yer bam pots"

Alex Salmond doesn't resign! What's that about?


Oh yes he does!

Its the stepping aside by the SNP and the calling of a general election that is highly conspicuous by its absence....
cait

oh god no! i don't want another bloody election yet!
RagnarRocks

Eday a man complained a sofa in a charity shop was to expensive. he decided not buy it then went and complained to whoever would listen that it was to expensive and didn't have to buy it.
Others where seen commenting that they agreed he didn't have to buy it and that he didn't even have to go in the shop.
The sheriff and procurator fiscal decided that the man had been exposed to an indecently expensive sofa but as he didn't have to buy it no further action would be taken.  Rolling Eyes
fred

cait wrote:
oh god no! i don't want another bloody election yet!


Brings back fond memories of a Japanese girl I used to go out with
RagnarRocks

Omg

Over on e org

Someone's filled Lesley macs box and has just gone public with it  Safe
mrsbradey

RagnarRocks wrote:
Eday a man complained a sofa in a charity shop was to expensive. he decided not buy it then went and complained to whoever would listen that it was to expensive and didn't have to buy it.
Others where seen commenting that they agreed he didn't have to buy it and that he didn't even have to go in the shop.
The sheriff and procurator fiscal decided that the man had been exposed to an indecently expensive sofa but as he didn't have to buy it no further action would be taken.  Rolling Eyes


STOP PRESS STOP PRESS STOP PRESS STOP PRESS STOP PRESS

Today on e org a post by joxville shocked orgers!!!

The post reads;

The nights are fair drawin' in!

The post, entitled 'Time' drew a couple of equally boring comments from other orgers, all of whom seem to have forgotten that there was a referendum this week, or perhaps to frightened to post on the subject!!!
susie

The County Journal

Latest news......

Human hen lays egg in the Co-op.

Manager, I Amcock (43years old, wearing grey Y-fronts), was not amused, he told our reporter, "It's no yolk this early in the day, I will have to get Michelle to clean it up". Later in the day we discovered that it was all white again.
susie

POLEECE SCOTLAND issued this warning to drivers in Caithness.

'we have received information, from a trusted snitch, that susie will be driving on the main roads somewhere between Reay and Wick sometime on Wednesday morning. Our informant suggests that the perp has not driven on a main road for over 3 years and we advise ALL drivers to take avoidance measures where appropriate.'
orkneycadian

Just in case you are still banned from e old org and can't ask the question Susie, Tesco in Wick should be open when you get there.
ducati

Driving back from Wick today after wasting the entire morning and half the afternoon (thanks a fucking bunch you know who you are..)

I came across some twat stopped in the middle of the main road almost straddling the centre white line, left indicator on. As I swerved around them at the last second (obviously I wasn't paying attention, who does?)
I looked in the rear view anticipating the kind of emergency warranting such behaviour, to see the driver looking at a fucking bird through binoculars! Dickhead! Mad
susie

ducati wrote:
Driving back from Wick today after wasting the entire morning and half the afternoon (thanks a fucking bunch you know who you are..)

I came across some twat stopped in the middle of the main road almost straddling the centre white line, left indicator on. As I swerved around them at the last second (obviously I wasn't paying attention, who does?)
I looked in the rear view anticipating the kind of emergency warranting such behaviour, to see the driver looking at a fucking bird through binoculars! Dickhead! Mad

Well, I sincerely hope that you don't think it was me that fucked up your day in such an impressive way ! As it was my first time behind the wheel for 3 years I thought I'd play it safe and left my binocs at home. I also hope I'm nothing to do with holding you up in any shape or form owing to driving at 18 mph behind the tractor. It took us 1 hour 20 mins from here to Nipster. Hell fire I was bored and scared. AND I have to do the reverse trip on Friday, so watch out!
I was following the other half and we went via Halkirk. I laughed when we got to the smiley mph sign, I bet it hasn't registered 18mph very often. I can tell I'm boring the pants off you, not a pretty sight, so cheerio and bon voyage.
Jax

ducati wrote:
Driving back from Wick today after wasting the entire morning and half the afternoon (thanks a fucking bunch you know who you are) Mad


Yes you know who you are & because of this subsequent action I had a pish day on hard labour for Mrs Bradey!!!!!  Thanks a bunch double from me  Very Happy
susie

orkneycadian wrote:
Just in case you are still banned from e old org and can't ask the question Susie, Tesco in Wick should be open when you get there.

As I am indeed still banned, I appreciate the information provided OC.
ducati

Hey Susie you could buy a car from my new speed shop. You'd do it in a about 8 minutes. Er..the journey. Shocked
orkneycadian

Do you do a mail order service on this speed?
SleveranGeordie

ducati wrote:
...to see the driver looking at a fucking bird through binoculars! Dickhead!


Is the Dickhead a member of the Tit family ?
susie

ducati wrote:
Hey Susie you could buy a car from my new speed shop. You'd do it in a about 8 minutes. Er..the journey. Shocked

I'm hard pressed to do anything in 8 minutes these days but I'm always open to ideas/offers
orkneycadian

I am sure there are some on here who could keep you amused for 8 minutes!  Or less! :-D
ducati

I could have you outa here in 3 minutes tops Cool
susie

ducati wrote:
I could have you outa here in 3 minutes tops Cool

May take you up on that
ducati

orkneycadian wrote:
Do you do a mail order service on this speed?


With a good run up at Dunnet Head I could be there in 5 minutes.
susie

ducati wrote:
orkneycadian wrote:
Do you do a mail order service on this speed?


With a good run up at Dunnet Head I could be there in 5 minutes.

Bloody hell! I didn't think you'd come that fast!
RagnarRocks

susie wrote:
ducati wrote:
orkneycadian wrote:
Do you do a mail order service on this speed?


With a good run up at Dunnet Head I could be there in 5 minutes.

Bloody hell! I didn't think you'd come that fast!



Poor boy has a hair trigger
ducati

He hem. Anyway..This week in e goat.

4 cars where seen on e causymire less then 1/4 mile apart...GRIDLOCK!

The new cooncil is nearly finished still.

In Auckengill, a gate fell over an all e sheepies got out.

That bloke still hasn't found his spade..shovel and his neighbour wants it back. Was heard to say " I want my spade..shovel back"
cait

shock! several hundred people got pished in week on friday night.

gridlock horror! 5 cars seen within 400 meters of each other near spittle. local farmer worries that his sheep suffered from pollution.

incomer votes yes -  the search for splodge. polis fear english traitor has gone into hiding amongst several thousand sheep in caithness.
cait

scandal!

reporter on other org misspells spittal.

claims are that he, she or it did it deliberately!
ducati

Here I am again, mak..er reporting the news for the people of er..wherever the hell you are.

Wha..? Shit me notes fell on the fire...er I'll be back. Shocked
mrsbradey

You could just snatch p cannops report! You would need to ask his permission, I think!!
Mr P Cannop

thats ok

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